How honest, heartwarming, and heartwrenching. Thank you, my dearest Isa, for your insight, vulnerability, and strength in saying it aloud. It's heartbreaking yet so helpful and authentic.
Thank you, sweetheart, for everything—my treasure, you.
I’m so glad to have read this and resonate with many of your suggestions ~ I’m hoping that my memoir coming out April 1 will become a helpful resource for grieving parents.
I learned so much from this post. Gorgeous prose, just the right tone and tenor, as you mention, in your words to help fellow humans find their own right tone and tenor. The golden rule spelled out with specifics
Imagine a mother who lost a child holding space and creating form for others so that they might gain skills to be more human and humane when encountering someone deep in grief. This gift from your heart touched my heart, and I thank you.
I opened my email this morning hoping to find a Substack from you! Thank you for sharing. In a world full of grief and loss, it feels so important to know what to do. I am always so grateful for your willingness to share and for your honesty.
FYI, for some perspective 11+ years down the road, here’s what I posted today on Facebook (if this comment platform can absorb so much text!):
In just a few hours it will be March 20, Elisif’s birthday, the day she would have turned 36.
The year I turned 36, the movie “Run Lola Run” came out. I loved it … loved how the entire premise was built on the notion that with enough fierce determination and passion (enough love) you can will the clock to rewind, taking you back in time for a redo … so that maybe this time you can get it right. It took Lola three or four goes before she landed on the happy ending she needed.
That year, we already had three children, Elisif at 10 the eldest. It was magical, my three daughters so light and bright, creative and alive, so close to one another.
Every day was something wonderful.
I wouldn’t mind winding back the clock, trying again.
March 20 is also the spring equinox - a day for reflection, for spiritual renewal, for setting intentions.
In India where Sophia is (my youngest), it’s already March 20. It’s early morning now, and later today she’s hosting what she’s calling an Equinox Reset, an offering of “darma | pranayama | dhyana | asana | nada” (according to the social media post). I’m not sure what all those things are, but no doubt it’s fully in keeping with the spirit of this day, a day auspicious in more ways than one for me and my family.
It makes sense Elisif was born the first day of spring. Every year, thinking on her (feeling her), it’s like a jump start on renewal … not so much winding back the clock, but at least starting again.
Spring awakening. A new chance. Committing to purpose.
In the movie, Lola’s hair is dyed hot red. It suits her character: like fire, only more so. Like unyielding red alert.
I wonder about how things might be for Elisif today, had we had a shot at a reboot and she was still alive. I wonder if she’d have dyed her hair to match Lola’s, a choice to match the urgency of the emergent national moment.
Whatever her hair color, she’d not be on the sidelines - that I know. She’d be fierce … a force … in full charisma mode, hot as Lola’s hair.
Back when Elisif first died, I needed to make drawings, 24 of them to match her age at the time (fire red in color, of course). I made them like a person possessed, with an urgency and clarity of purpose I’d not known before. One day, my wife asked me, did I think Elisif was my muse? I thought a moment and then answered, yes … yes, I believe she was.
And is.
The vernal equinox - Elisif’s birthday - is a day for new beginnings. We could use some renewal just about now, here in our wounded country. We can use some wisdom, some creative power, some clear intentions to help make things better.
I may not be able to use my passion and pain to rewrite the script and bring Elisif back, but to have her right here I maybe actually don’t have to - isn’t that one of the lessons those ancient arts Sophia is leaning into today has to teach us? Isn’t that what I already know, Elisif as much muse for me today as she was then? Isn’t that maybe what “Run Lola Run” is really trying to say, that whether in film or in life there is grace, and what we lose we somehow still have?
I think so.
In this season of awakening, on this day of new beginnings, at this inflection point when light will now last longer than dark, at this moment when it falls on each of us to step up as best we can, to seek to do right before so much hurtful injustice, I am blessed with the spirit of my ancestral daughter inside me.
How honest, heartwarming, and heartwrenching. Thank you, my dearest Isa, for your insight, vulnerability, and strength in saying it aloud. It's heartbreaking yet so helpful and authentic.
Thank you, sweetheart, for everything—my treasure, you.
Alex
I’m so glad to have read this and resonate with many of your suggestions ~ I’m hoping that my memoir coming out April 1 will become a helpful resource for grieving parents.
https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/Reaching-for-Beautiful/Sally-McQuillen/9781647428600
Oh how perfect! Congratulations! I will pre-order and cannot wait to read it.
Thank you Isa!
I learned so much from this post. Gorgeous prose, just the right tone and tenor, as you mention, in your words to help fellow humans find their own right tone and tenor. The golden rule spelled out with specifics
Poignant, raw and as always inspiring as you transparently share your life. Love you.
Dear Isa. Your insight, empathy, research, and honesty is inspiring for so many of us. Thank you. Love, Jan
I have always admired writings. They always make me think hard…as others have said sharing this with us is a incredible gift…thank you
Thank you for writing this, Isa. I think of your family and wish you all peace and love. Especially peace.
Is there a direct way to contribute to the fund via mail, PO Box?
A Luddite inquires.
Susan
Imagine a mother who lost a child holding space and creating form for others so that they might gain skills to be more human and humane when encountering someone deep in grief. This gift from your heart touched my heart, and I thank you.
This is a gift Isa, thank you. We can’t wait to see you in a couple weeks. Sending love.
This is excellent. Thank you.
Saying this might be one of the things to avoid. And I’ll say it anyway, willing to risk needing to ask forgiveness.
Thank you for your courage.
And for believing in the good work of grieving, fully and fabulously the loss of your believed Bai.
Nine months.
The poignancy of that amount of time.
That's so lovely Thanks, Sean! And yes, nine months -- you, of course, caught that.
I opened my email this morning hoping to find a Substack from you! Thank you for sharing. In a world full of grief and loss, it feels so important to know what to do. I am always so grateful for your willingness to share and for your honesty.
Try Joan Didion's "Blue Nights." Love the post, Isa.
I need to reread! Our conversation spurred me to finish this essay which I kept wandering away from so thank you for that!
FYI, for some perspective 11+ years down the road, here’s what I posted today on Facebook (if this comment platform can absorb so much text!):
In just a few hours it will be March 20, Elisif’s birthday, the day she would have turned 36.
The year I turned 36, the movie “Run Lola Run” came out. I loved it … loved how the entire premise was built on the notion that with enough fierce determination and passion (enough love) you can will the clock to rewind, taking you back in time for a redo … so that maybe this time you can get it right. It took Lola three or four goes before she landed on the happy ending she needed.
That year, we already had three children, Elisif at 10 the eldest. It was magical, my three daughters so light and bright, creative and alive, so close to one another.
Every day was something wonderful.
I wouldn’t mind winding back the clock, trying again.
March 20 is also the spring equinox - a day for reflection, for spiritual renewal, for setting intentions.
In India where Sophia is (my youngest), it’s already March 20. It’s early morning now, and later today she’s hosting what she’s calling an Equinox Reset, an offering of “darma | pranayama | dhyana | asana | nada” (according to the social media post). I’m not sure what all those things are, but no doubt it’s fully in keeping with the spirit of this day, a day auspicious in more ways than one for me and my family.
It makes sense Elisif was born the first day of spring. Every year, thinking on her (feeling her), it’s like a jump start on renewal … not so much winding back the clock, but at least starting again.
Spring awakening. A new chance. Committing to purpose.
In the movie, Lola’s hair is dyed hot red. It suits her character: like fire, only more so. Like unyielding red alert.
I wonder about how things might be for Elisif today, had we had a shot at a reboot and she was still alive. I wonder if she’d have dyed her hair to match Lola’s, a choice to match the urgency of the emergent national moment.
Whatever her hair color, she’d not be on the sidelines - that I know. She’d be fierce … a force … in full charisma mode, hot as Lola’s hair.
Back when Elisif first died, I needed to make drawings, 24 of them to match her age at the time (fire red in color, of course). I made them like a person possessed, with an urgency and clarity of purpose I’d not known before. One day, my wife asked me, did I think Elisif was my muse? I thought a moment and then answered, yes … yes, I believe she was.
And is.
The vernal equinox - Elisif’s birthday - is a day for new beginnings. We could use some renewal just about now, here in our wounded country. We can use some wisdom, some creative power, some clear intentions to help make things better.
I may not be able to use my passion and pain to rewrite the script and bring Elisif back, but to have her right here I maybe actually don’t have to - isn’t that one of the lessons those ancient arts Sophia is leaning into today has to teach us? Isn’t that what I already know, Elisif as much muse for me today as she was then? Isn’t that maybe what “Run Lola Run” is really trying to say, that whether in film or in life there is grace, and what we lose we somehow still have?
I think so.
In this season of awakening, on this day of new beginnings, at this inflection point when light will now last longer than dark, at this moment when it falls on each of us to step up as best we can, to seek to do right before so much hurtful injustice, I am blessed with the spirit of my ancestral daughter inside me.
It’s a new day, and you are hot as fire.
Still.
And still here.
Happy birthday, love.